Insanity's Epilogue



Your outward initial image is determined by associations. How people act in what you wear, how you look, your tattoos, your skin color, your profession, your beliefs… It will all come full circle.

I belong to a race that is associated with affluence, perceptual superiority, and white trash. I belong in a profession with the infatuated, the egotistical, the geniuses, the dreamers, and the poor. I come from a university that is nothing more than a meeting grounds for the mediocre and poorly driven adolescents who, for a vast majority, have their expensive, drawn-out daycare payed for by their parents, who care more about living in the present than what future they can have as an adult, and who take no initiative to develop their inner being. I belong to a generation of the pampered, the economic underdogs, technologically infused, idiots, brash bastards, and lazy fat asses. I belong to a belief that is easily viewed as wrong, hateful, selfish, and destined for Hell. 

Our society cares nothing of the workings beneath the skull. We desire unity and people to share our beliefs. When these do not coincide, we lose sight that the other people believe just as strongly as ourselves. Through this, we lose the ability to respect. Then we grow up this way and it becomes ingrained in most of our thought processes. A continual loop of inherited close-mindedness. 

We want to believe we as humans are individual and unique, which we are, but fail to see the basic similarities in all of us. Once we believe we are unique, we also tend to believe we are superior and right. The threshold between mentally strong convictions and brazen opinions has become far too thin. Possibly, due to my short time span and realizations as I become older, I think that our growing generations are becoming worse as the years pass. Many are raised with a grand sense of entitlement that hinders other’s lives due to the passive and negative effects of ones actions. By achieving one’s goals without interfering with other’s goals, only then can we have our own foundation in which we can positively and actively supporting others. Ask for sparingly and give when able.

This concept of being human is infuriating, astonishing, inspiring, morbid, and a slew of other deep interconnected feelings. We are all human but many are losing the sight of how we live as humans. The blame partially lies on the downward spiral of first world country societies. They want power and power requires money. Money requires an economy which requires citizens. To create money, we create production. To increase production, we increase the citizen’s NEED for money which forces them join workforces to satisfy that need. The more this need is increased, the more our perception shifts the life goals we all have.

The goal becomes fundamentally money. It is human to be greedy but greed consumes the soul, devaluing our humanity. The goal and need of money reduces the quality of most facets of our culture. Food, music, living, politics. Decent products come from those who infest and invest themselves with a passion for their art or craft. Those who dedicate themselves to this degree mostly lose the ability to be affluent, just sustaining. This leaves us with two certain goals in life: Sell your soul or forfeit your standard of living. This is the construct assembled and forced on us.

Everything I am associated with has many negative connotations. At the point in time where I can break from these connotations and be separate from secondary opinions and be viewed as an entity above these associations will I have realized my own self. Materialism is the downfall of man. Music transcends materialism. While it requires tangible products to create the sounds, it is so much more than that. True compositions go straight to the soul. Expression of human experience. A human art being lost to human vices for the sake of being human.

Nothing is more painful than loving the impossible.

I can’t even…

I don’t care who reads this, I just needed a place to vent and this location is the most detached I am from other friends via social media. 

I have been receiving transitive bullshit from my girlfriend’s illogical, idiotic, biggest hypocritical asshole the planet Earth has ever unfortunately housed. The only good thing that has ever happened from him is the existence of his daughter. How someone so gorgeous, brilliant, and compassionate ever came out of his sorry loins is beyond me. If I ever meet this man face to face, here is a list of shit that I would cram into this man’s throat of how shitty a father he is.

1. You are a goddamned sack of shit stacked seventy stories high.

2. Your daughter hates living at home because you can’t own up your own shit and project it upon her. You know why she stays at my place twice a week? It causes her to be less stressed because, get more work done, save on gas, save on putting miles on a car THAT SHE IS FUCKING PAYING FOR, and we get to spend time together which makes her happier but doesn’t even make up for the amount of sadness and madness you insert into her life.

3. You get pissed at her for not doing as well in school as you want but you want her to skip on homework that she needs to do on the school computer. Instead of that homework, though, you have an agenda for her to come home so you can yell at her for the biggest illogical mound of horse shit to make yourself feel better.

4. Your daughter is doing some pretty fucking fantastic things that you couldn’t have surmounted to at her age and you STILL can’t compare at your current age. She is working two part time jobs, commuting an hour to and an hour from school everyday, she has a full course-load, she is performing in the percussion ensemble, she is doing coding and shit in her degree that you would never comprehend, she pays for her own college, she is paying off a car, she is saving her money, AND she puts up with you and your shitty wife’s bullshit every goddamn minute of every goddamn day because you think she isn’t good enough.

5. I am not a father yet but I will know how to treat my children for damn sure. You are a failure of a father at this point in your life. No matter how old your daughter gets, no matter how far your daughter goes, no matter how much you fight, you should be the one man in her life that will guide her, care for her, help her and never hinder her, be the one she can always depend on if she needs somebody, respect her decisions as an ADULT(because from everything I have seen, she is more of an adult than your sorry ass), respect her as a person, and guide her positively through your own mistakes which you are the fucking king of which would make you a goddamn professional fuck-up.

6. When your daughter comes crying to me through texts because of you using her as a beating bag of your own inadequacies, hypocritical statements like:

  • You can’t stay the night in Carrollton.
  • Why are you putting so many miles on the car?
  • Quit your job so you can focus on school.
  • Can I borrow money for a couch and use your checking account full of your money so I can buy my wife gifts?
  • (She needs to use the computer at the school for coding assignments that are due every monday, wednesday, and friday. Her homework was due at 11:59pm tonight and it was 8:30pm at the time and she had about 1 hour and a half left of work to do. Her computer that she was working on didn’t save her information and she lost hours of work which officially put her back to a point of not being able to complete jack shit.) You had all the time in the world last week to do coding, why don’t you have have your work done? You need to be home at 9:35pm. End of story.
  • Skip school and work so you can come on vacation with us later this month.

… I get mad. Not even me. Everyone gets mad. Despite your harassment, your daughter is still able to put on a front that makes other people happy. We don’t even know you but you cause her tears constantly which is more than any reason in the world for us to hate you.

7. You yell at her for crying. It is called BEING A FUCKING HUMAN. Fuck your callous standards. Especially for women. They have every right in the world to cry. Scientifically, they are dealing with temperamental hormones that guys don’t handle. You are a stupid son of a bitch who doesn’t have a shred of logic within his soul or mind. You might feel ashamed to cry but those are your feelings on crying. I don’t like to cry either but if you need to let something out, you let that shit out. People who bottle it up become demons like you who can’t own their own emotions and shove it onto others. I bet you can’t even accept your own existence. 

8. Maybe you are doing this because you are overly attached to your daughter and don’t want to let her go and still tell her, a twenty year old, how she should live her life. Learn to let the fuck go. I have yet to witness a decision of hers that was of poor logic. You say she isn’t living up to her potential, is a screw up, is doing everything wrong. If she is the one screwing up, then why do you have to borrow money from your own daughter? Why have you neglected the rest of your family, especially your own mother and father? Why did you get a divorce? Why isn’t your daughter happy? What have you done to better your daughter’s life?

9. If down the road, your daughter and I consider marriage, I won’t ask for your consent, I will ask your ex-wife’s consent. She has been more of a positive influence in your daughter’s life than you have been. If your daughter and I ever decide to have children, I don’t want you near them ever unless you get your life straightened out. If you ever get the chance to see them, you better not tell me how to raise my own kids. Your daughter was raised by your ex-wife and the experiences your daughter has gone through for better or worse. She is strong in spite of you. You obviously do not have the slightest idea anymore. If marriage happens and you make her cry or hurt her, I will kick your sorry ass. You come near my family with ill intent, I will fuck you up. I know it is way too early to call the marriage card but I don’t know the future anymore than someone in China. All I know is that she makes me happy enough for me to feel the defensive of her after a little over a month. If you try to take her away from me, I will find some way possible to make your life as much of a hell as your are making hers. She is surviving through it. I doubt you could.

10. The only thing tying her to your damn house is the car she has paid for. She has invested more money into that car than your wife, which was part of the deal that she pay it off, and for some reason the title is still under your wife’s name. Tell me how that makes any sense. Ashley is the owner of the car and she is paying it off. You are hurting her on this anyways because she isn’t even developing credit off of this. She is building your wife’s credit with her money. Isn’t that just fucking dandy? I doubt you guys have good credit if you have to borrow money from your daughter.

11. Even if I don’t marry your daughter, you are a prime example of what type of father I won’t be: A hypocritical, controlling, illogical asshole who is more immature than anybody I have heard of. How you have made it to this point in your life is beyond me nor do I care. 

12. Part of me wants your daughter to go to Florida even if that means I won’t get to be with her anymore. As long as she never has to see you again until you shape up, I will be content.

-To the sorry excuse of a dad

I really think…

I am cursed. Every chick I have wanted/slightly try to get with usually ends up in an amazing, lasting, happy relationship. I am happy for them. Where am I, though? I’ve waited and will keep waiting. Fuck the circle.

One day, it will pay off.

I might be shallow if that is what it means to appreciate the upkeep of one’s own personal wellness.

I don’t care how unmanly this sounds but I want to cuddle.